Ok, less whiny :)

Sorrrrrreeeeeee for the massive whine and rant the other day.  I am still in the same situation but not as ranty about it :)

I am looking for work.  I would like to be a childrens social worker but have no qualifications yet!  Looking at the International Development stuff is really interesting though...  I would actually love to do it.  It is like I have been living abroad speaking a foreign language for so long I had forgotten how comfortable I feel when using my own.  The language of international politics, humanitarianism and development is my language.  However, the jobs are all in London.  Eek!  Maybe I could work away for a bit?  Well, actually, London is good - some of them are in African countries!  I do want to go away and work in developing countries, and take the kids, but not right now when they are so small. 

Anyways. 

I think my baby boy is poorly today.  He is asleep in the buggy at the moment which is something he never does.  I took the opportunity to make us my new version of coq au vin in the slow cooker.  It doesn't have bacon or mushrooms (I don't have any in) but it does have red cabbage and carrots.  And the wine - lots of wine.  I shall cook it all day then serve it up with rustic mash (pots with the skin on!  Lots of butter.  Scrum)

I know what it is about being a SAHM that is so important.  It is being available.  Emotionally, physically, mentally available.  It is about not having to make the decision today about whether to take the youngest to his childminder or not, not knowing whether he was poorly or just tired.  I would let someone down and it would be easier for it to be him than work.  I admire mums who work and bring up a family, I really do.  I just wonder if, if there was a choice, they wouldn't rather be at home.  Or maybe that work was more flexible.

Ho hum.

x N

Self Audit

Ok.  Having been told over the weekend that I am a lazy princess (I said I didn't want to go to work = lazy, and said if I did work I would like a cleaner a couple of hours a week at home = princess) I am self-auditing my days to see how lazy and princess like I really am, compared to being a wage slave.

Yes I am VERY ANGRY about this accusation, which is one every bloody SAHM has to put up with, not just from husbands who think the fridge never needs cleaning because it is always clean (yep, fridge elves), but also other women - ones that work, mostly.  I admire women who work enormously because it is proven time and time again in research that women still do the lions share of household chores, are paid less than their male colleagues, are overlooked for promotion, and are often the first to have to drop work to look after domestic/childcare issues (leading to a lack of consideration for promotion).  This does not an easy life make!  I don't want to be part of this!  But anyway, I shall audit my days because I am interested in what a SAHM does all day anyway :)

*Tuesday

• 7.35:  Get Oldest and Youngest up, cajole in a happy manner down to breakfast.  Make breakfasts, ensure Oldest wiped his bum properly after a poo, washed hands etc, get children to eat breakfast.  I drink a coffee, am knackered after being up with Youngest in the night.

• 8.05:  Get kids upstairs, brush children's teeth.  Dress Oldest because he is tired and scatty and won't do it himself.  Get told am mean for making him undress in the cold.  Get Youngest's nappy changed, cajole him to lie still for a new nappy and to get changed while Oldest teases him with a toy just out of reach.  Tell Oldest to leave Youngest alone, he sulks.  Get Youngest dressed while singing nursery rhymes.  This is all done while feeling frantic but exuding cheery in-control-mumness.

• 8.30:  Get me dressed.  I don't have time to shower, hair scraped back in a greasy bun.  Nice.

• 8.35:  Herd children downstairs, shoes and coats on, Oldest given his schoolbag with forms filled in that came home with him last night, fresh water in his water bottle, reading books in to be returned.  Youngest put in his pushchair.  Hats found, though forgot Oldest's.

• 8.40:  Off to school.  All in good time, should be pleased but still feeling stressed!  Is all ok, the .75 mile walk to school always burns off any stress energy.

• 9.10: back from school, wait for phone call re: counselling session this afternoon, find it is cancelled.  Find wallet to pay for church group we are off to now, leave wallet on bed.  Plug in phone to charge, run downstairs to toddler, pop him in the car.

• 9.30:  at church group.  My new friend whose son plays with my son at school is there.  She is lovely and kind and listens to me whine on about the fact I am underappreciated at home (!).  is very supportive of my complaints and concerned about me going into children's and families as a social worker.  I am concerned to but pretty determined that that's what I want to do.  Youngest has an awesome time even tho this is usually his nap time.  Is kind, sociable and independent.  I chat and almost relax, though obviously I don't because I need to keep an eye on the toddler in case he decides to snatch a toy/climb on the slide and stand up/stop another child from playing with something/throw sand/eat playdough/fall face first down the stairs etc etc.  All without him knowing I am doing this, and in full conversational mode. 

•  11: leave church group.  Youngest is exhausted, time for a nap.  Put him in his bed and feed him to sleep.

•  11.45:  come downstairs, he is finally asleep.  I have to order the weeks food from the Cornish food box company before 12 to make it for this week.  I also need to hang the clothes up from the washing machine asap, DB frets if it is left in there too long.  Do this while computer is starting up to order the shopping.

• 12.39:  Am blogging while Youngest still naps :)  This is time I have taken for ME though I should be looking for jobs...  I will look for jobs now.

Back!

Ok, I couldn't use my laptop for a million gazillion years as my toddler would only go to sleep on me :)  So, no free time.  But now I am back!  he sleeps upstairs and so I can write.

Well, complain today actually.  I am here at my laptop because I am jobhunting.  I would very much like a job but I do really love being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM hereafter) and know that working and being a great, hands-on, available mum are not really as compatible as I would like.  I love being available to my children, god knows that while doing the PhD I was stressed, stressed, stressed.  I resented it when my oldest (then, only) couldn't go to the childminder because he or they were ill, and I couldn't work.  If I missed a slot to work for reasons beyond my control I would be very stressed and worried and just totally unable to relax and enjoy the company of, and meeting the needs of, my child.

Now I have two wonderful children, the oldest of whom is at school now and the youngest is a toddler.  I love that if my oldest needs a day off or is poorly I can see to his needs and keep him off school without question or compromise.  I will not let anyone down.  I love that I can go to school parents meetings and workshops (! yes, they have workshops) without question or compromise.  I have not had to take the day or afternoon off work or let anyone down.  I love that I can be there for my toddler as he learns to walk and talk and explore the world around him.  I love that as he needs reassurance and stability in times of such huge exploration and discovery I am there for him, without question or compromise.  I do not have to stand by, busy doing something else, while someone else provides this - or maybe doesn't - in my absence.

I love that I can do these things because DB earns enough that we can meet the bills and I can be at home, be available, to my family.  I feed us good meals, I clothe the kids in clean, laundered clothes.  I make sure homework is done, school dates are adhered to, deadlines are met. 

But this isn't enough.  I need to work, to help pay those bills, to be respected.  So, as I said, I am jobhunting.  Youngest will go to a childminder, two or three days a week and the oldest will probably need some kind of wraparound care.  I will drop them off at 8am, and pick them up at 6pm.  I will rush Oldest through his homework, grab whatever I can find in a resentful, flustered  hurry for his show and tell that week and become cross that the school is arranging yet another dress-up day.  All the stuff I love and that bonds me and the Oldest together - craft, baking, making clothes for dress-up - will go as time demands that we buy stuff instead.  I know, I know, I am being gloomy about it.  I didn't expect my life to turn out this way, I always just wanted to be a mum while the kids were young.  I would rather have much less money and a small house and be there for my kids.  Living frugally is not a problem for me. 

I am just sad about it.  But, jobhunt I must and so let's get on with it!  Onwards and upwards!  And so begins my journey form the relatively straightforward (if emotionally and physically draining) life of a SAHM to working mum... 

If any working mums have any advice for me, or words of encouragement, please post!  I would love to hear them.  I have yet to hear a single working mum tell me that they enjoy their work/life/family balance.

Laters,
x N