Ok, I couldn't use my laptop for a million gazillion years as my toddler would only go to sleep on me :) So, no free time. But now I am back! he sleeps upstairs and so I can write.
Well, complain today actually. I am here at my laptop because I am jobhunting. I would very much like a job but I do really love being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM hereafter) and know that working and being a great, hands-on, available mum are not really as compatible as I would like. I love being available to my children, god knows that while doing the PhD I was stressed, stressed, stressed. I resented it when my oldest (then, only) couldn't go to the childminder because he or they were ill, and I couldn't work. If I missed a slot to work for reasons beyond my control I would be very stressed and worried and just totally unable to relax and enjoy the company of, and meeting the needs of, my child.
Now I have two wonderful children, the oldest of whom is at school now and the youngest is a toddler. I love that if my oldest needs a day off or is poorly I can see to his needs and keep him off school without question or compromise. I will not let anyone down. I love that I can go to school parents meetings and workshops (! yes, they have workshops) without question or compromise. I have not had to take the day or afternoon off work or let anyone down. I love that I can be there for my toddler as he learns to walk and talk and explore the world around him. I love that as he needs reassurance and stability in times of such huge exploration and discovery I am there for him, without question or compromise. I do not have to stand by, busy doing something else, while someone else provides this - or maybe doesn't - in my absence.
I love that I can do these things because DB earns enough that we can meet the bills and I can be at home, be available, to my family. I feed us good meals, I clothe the kids in clean, laundered clothes. I make sure homework is done, school dates are adhered to, deadlines are met.
But this isn't enough. I need to work, to help pay those bills, to be respected. So, as I said, I am jobhunting. Youngest will go to a childminder, two or three days a week and the oldest will probably need some kind of wraparound care. I will drop them off at 8am, and pick them up at 6pm. I will rush Oldest through his homework, grab whatever I can find in a resentful, flustered hurry for his show and tell that week and become cross that the school is arranging yet another dress-up day. All the stuff I love and that bonds me and the Oldest together - craft, baking, making clothes for dress-up - will go as time demands that we buy stuff instead. I know, I know, I am being gloomy about it. I didn't expect my life to turn out this way, I always just wanted to be a mum while the kids were young. I would rather have much less money and a small house and be there for my kids. Living frugally is not a problem for me.
I am just sad about it. But, jobhunt I must and so let's get on with it! Onwards and upwards! And so begins my journey form the relatively straightforward (if emotionally and physically draining) life of a SAHM to working mum...
If any working mums have any advice for me, or words of encouragement, please post! I would love to hear them. I have yet to hear a single working mum tell me that they enjoy their work/life/family balance.
Laters,
x N
Well, complain today actually. I am here at my laptop because I am jobhunting. I would very much like a job but I do really love being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM hereafter) and know that working and being a great, hands-on, available mum are not really as compatible as I would like. I love being available to my children, god knows that while doing the PhD I was stressed, stressed, stressed. I resented it when my oldest (then, only) couldn't go to the childminder because he or they were ill, and I couldn't work. If I missed a slot to work for reasons beyond my control I would be very stressed and worried and just totally unable to relax and enjoy the company of, and meeting the needs of, my child.
Now I have two wonderful children, the oldest of whom is at school now and the youngest is a toddler. I love that if my oldest needs a day off or is poorly I can see to his needs and keep him off school without question or compromise. I will not let anyone down. I love that I can go to school parents meetings and workshops (! yes, they have workshops) without question or compromise. I have not had to take the day or afternoon off work or let anyone down. I love that I can be there for my toddler as he learns to walk and talk and explore the world around him. I love that as he needs reassurance and stability in times of such huge exploration and discovery I am there for him, without question or compromise. I do not have to stand by, busy doing something else, while someone else provides this - or maybe doesn't - in my absence.
I love that I can do these things because DB earns enough that we can meet the bills and I can be at home, be available, to my family. I feed us good meals, I clothe the kids in clean, laundered clothes. I make sure homework is done, school dates are adhered to, deadlines are met.
But this isn't enough. I need to work, to help pay those bills, to be respected. So, as I said, I am jobhunting. Youngest will go to a childminder, two or three days a week and the oldest will probably need some kind of wraparound care. I will drop them off at 8am, and pick them up at 6pm. I will rush Oldest through his homework, grab whatever I can find in a resentful, flustered hurry for his show and tell that week and become cross that the school is arranging yet another dress-up day. All the stuff I love and that bonds me and the Oldest together - craft, baking, making clothes for dress-up - will go as time demands that we buy stuff instead. I know, I know, I am being gloomy about it. I didn't expect my life to turn out this way, I always just wanted to be a mum while the kids were young. I would rather have much less money and a small house and be there for my kids. Living frugally is not a problem for me.
I am just sad about it. But, jobhunt I must and so let's get on with it! Onwards and upwards! And so begins my journey form the relatively straightforward (if emotionally and physically draining) life of a SAHM to working mum...
If any working mums have any advice for me, or words of encouragement, please post! I would love to hear them. I have yet to hear a single working mum tell me that they enjoy their work/life/family balance.
Laters,
x N
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